Simple Yet Complex Words
by seiyuurabu
Summary: A wakeful Kanda starts thinking as Lavi continues to sleep. It's a dangerous thing when Kanda is the one reflecting on their relationship. What is it he wants to say to Lavi? What will he say? Yaoi implied  nothing overly explicit .


Hi! A wee bit over a year later and I finally get something finished instead of languishing in my collection of barely written down plunnies. I failed on getting it done for July 8, LaviXKanda festival day. Unlike last year, us LXK fans decided to spread the love on more dates this year (starting June 6 (Kanda's birthday), ending Aug 10 (Lavi's birthday) (see July 8 is the midpoint of their birthdays)) so technically I'm not late. ^^;

If you want more LXK Fest info, or fanart and other fics, head on over to Live Journal user thelaviyufesthq and peruse all the entries. There's also links to the other hotspots of LXK activity such as the rabiyuu comm on Live Journal, and DeviantArt. Well, hopefully you'll read (and perchance review?) my story first before going off to dip into more LXK goodness.

**Spoiler warning: **If haven't read chapter 188 or onwards of the manga (anything with Kanda's past) then some references in my story will not mean much.

**LAVI AND KANDA FEST FROM JUNE 6 TO AUG 10. DO NOT MISS IT IF YOU LOVE THIS PAIRING!**

* * *

Simple Yet Complex Words

Kanda returned to his bed. It was well past the normal time he would be up and gone out to train. The reason, a rather regular recurring reason, he hadn't done so was lying sound asleep on his back, Lavi. A very naked, even his eye patch was off, and quite exposed Lavi as Kanda hadn't bothered to pull up the sheet when he'd gotten up to use the bathroom. Not that he'd be cold. Summer had kicked in full strength even though it was early July.

The heat was like this last year, Kanda thought, which made him realize it'd almost been a year since he'd gotten himself entangled with the redhead. And gained himself a new exercise regime. Kanda smirked. Yes, it was all the Baka Usagi's fault. His gaze roamed appreciatively up and down his lover's body, noting the red, blue and purple markings marring Lavi's skin, not all of which were of his creation. Lavi had come back from his mission battered, but nothing grave enough to require a stay in the infirmary.

Kanda knew any attempt at more sleep was pointless, but he wasn't about to disturb Lavi's rest either. He couldn't find the motivation to get dressed and get on with his usual routine life-pre-invasion-by-Lavi-style though. He could read, or meditate, or continue to watch Lavi. Kanda opted to sit midway on his, no their, bed, facing towards Lavi, whose only response to the weight shift was his right hand moving outwards into the empty space at his chest level. With his right hand, Kanda placed it lightly over Lavi's to affirm his continued presence. Che, you're getting soft, Kanda somewhat scolded himself. Their connected hands served as another reminder of how much time they'd already been together. If on the first day we'd met someone had told us, even as some wild prediction, we'd be involved like this, Kanda mused, we'd have both strangled the hapless moron after recovering from the shock. His lips turned up slightly. Hell, even last year, he would have beaten some sense into any person with Mugen for suggesting it. Now he had quite the opposite problem, trying not to dwell on their future, the one he found himself wanting more despite the extreme low possibility of it occurring. This is why quiet alone time with Lavi was both dangerous and an important gift. Kanda sometimes wished he could be as easily distracted as his partner.

Unlike Lavi, the sight of a naked or even half-naked body didn't instantly put sex on his mind. Bookman Junior's active imagination and perceived overly perverted train of thought was what had gotten them beyond their precarious friendship last summer though, Kanda recalled. Something he did need to thank the Baka Usagi for. Maybe.

"Oi, Baka Usagi, oi!" Drops of water hit Lavi's bare back, startling him back to reality, more so than the irritated words from the samurai standing on the grass beside him. Lavi had been lying on the field while taking a break from training outside headquarters with Yuu. Not for the first time his admiration of Yuu's stamina and determination had him wondering how those qualities would translate to more recreational physical activities. A shirtless Yuu in a light sheen of sweat had only helped to spur on another fantasy running through his mind, as well as making him hard for real.

"Heat gotten to you, or are you just IN heat, Baka Usagi?" Kanda glared down at Lavi, wondering what was with that peculiar expression on his face. Not that he should care, but if the idiot was overheated, he'd rather not have to drag his passed out body, from pushing himself too far by resuming their sparring, back inside. Kanda took a drink of water from his canteen while waiting for Lavi to say something.

Lavi gave Kanda a laugh that sounded like he'd been on the mark with his question, and rolled over in order to sit up, but he gave no direct answer.

"Che." Whatever, Kanda thought to himself and handed the redhead his canteen. Lavi took the offering with a goofy smile. Yeah, nothing he needed to know about, as usual, he decided as he watched Lavi take a drink.

As Lavi held out the canteen for Kanda to take back, the smile and peculiar expression were gone. "Maybe both," he finally obliged, his voice neutral, not matching the mischievous glint in that green eye of his.

Kanda merely raised his eyebrow and reached down to retrieve the canteen. He found his hand being pulled suddenly which threw his balance off and down he went. The canteen and Kanda both hit the ground, but the canteen fared better than Kanda as he quickly found himself pinned down with Lavi above him. Seriously, what the fuck had gotten into Lavi, ran through Kanda's mind. He started to squirm, but Lavi had the weight advantage and, as Kanda had learned well enough 2 years ago when he'd been unwillingly assigned to help Lavi train with his Innocence, he was a skilled fighter. He'd better let Lavi have his say, or whatever the fuck he was trying to do, and skewer him with Mugen afterwards.

"Ne, Yuu, how horrified would you be if I shared what I was thinking," in a quiet voice Lavi said to Kanda, leaning in close. Kanda was surprised to see Bookman Junior's mask gone, the 49th persona removed. Why now, why allow the raw exposure? From the moment they met, he'd known from instinct the lie, although it was only over time he learned the reasons for the deception. Fair exchange as Lavi had put it, as his own secrets had been learned by the Bookmen without permission.

"Or would you be interested?" Lavi asked, staying well into Kanda's personal space.

"How can I answer based off of that, idiot?" was Kanda's prompt reply, emphasized with a scowl.

Lavi's mouth quirked. As a reply, Lavi shifted his position so that his erection pressed into Kanda's groin. "Clear enough, Yuu?" Lavi's action only suggested sex, desire, nothing about the craving in his soul. Lavi expected Kanda to be more than a little stunned, but he was relieved there was no revulsion in his gaze.

If he had been smiling, been his usual Lavi flirt at anything in a skirt self, Kanda would have kneed the asshole and had Mugen planted in the same area shortly thereafter. Instead Lavi was still open, vulnerable, and of course there was the ever continuing doubts about his mental stability. This wasn't some joke, nor was it a joking matter. The maddening part was Kanda didn't know how _he_ should take this, this pass? So he went on the defensive. "If you need a hole to put your stick in, that's what the brothel is for, Ero Usagi!"

Kanda saw Lavi's eye become like flint, and his voice flat, "Sounding like Bookman, Yuu."

Yes, you're not being toyed with, and yes, you've wounded him, Kanda confirmed to himself while trying to think how he could screw this up more. Lavi wasn't backing off though. "I don't want someone to fuck, I want to be with the one person who has tilted my world, makes me care, makes me FEEL, makes me even doubt the path I chose to walk along."

His eyes went wide. Very raw words, expressing hidden emotions Kanda never would have suspected. He was at a complete loss of what to say in return, and doubted he would know anytime soon.

Lavi wasn't waiting for him to come up with an adequate response. Kanda's vision became all orange and red as Lavi's lips ghosted along his jawline heading towards his left ear into which Lavi whispered, "Just Yuu." And if Kanda hadn't had enough shocks already, he got another. A light squeeze of his wrists and then nothing. All in a fluid movement Lavi had let go, rolled off, stood up and started walking back towards headquarters. He didn't glance back once, or have his usual Lavi gait, or start humming any tune. About the only thing that made sense to Kanda was seeing Lavi's pace pick up as he unsheathed Mugen. At least something was still right in what he perceived as reality. He'd go after the Baka Usagi once he'd figured out what his response would be, whenever that would be.

When Kanda went to place his order with Jerry for dinner that night, he got a detailed account of how Lavi had barely eaten his lunch or dinner, acting like a dejected puppy. Lenalee hadn't gotten a smile or any explanation out of him at all. The woes of teen love, the tragedy of rejection Jerry went on about. He had to take it all in because Jerry wasn't giving him his soba. In fact he couldn't get his food until he'd agreed to go talk to his friend. His "what the fuck does Lavi have to do with me" scowl was simply returned with a smile. "There's very few people he trusts, Kanda-kun," Jerry stated, "a lot like yourself, dear."

Unsurprisingly, Kanda found Lavi working in the library later in the evening. He hadn't planned on dealing with Lavi this soon. Sincere emotional confessions, Tiedoll's paternal nattering did not count, he mercifully wasn't confronted with too often. It helped to have the icy, uncaring reputation that he did. Getting one from Lavi still seemed unreal, yet it wasn't one he would ignore or dismiss. For him to give a response though meant he had to analyze his own emotions, a task that had always at best been annoying. He'd tried to while he went back outside that afternoon to train, and again in the bath. A few hours later and the only significant result was very clean hair and wrinkled skin.

Lavi had tensed when he heard someone approaching quietly, and not calling out to him. Of course it was Yuu. Lavi noted Yuu's casual clothes and lack of Mugen. Imminent death, bloody death anyway, wouldn't be soon then. Yuu's body language wasn't menacing, and his features were calm. Too bad his hair wasn't down, Lavi also noted. Lavi wasn't going to call out to him, or give him a typical Lavi greeting as he'd rammed his foot far enough down his throat as it was this afternoon. He'd let Kanda talk, go violent, or whatever, and be prepared to blow off his earlier actions as a bad joke if need be to salvage at least his friendship.

"Just how many of your personas have involved insanity, Baka Usagi?" Kanda opened with when he was within a few feet of him. "Or is 'Lavi' _that _special?" Bookman Junior watched Kanda continue to come close enough to him so that their conversation would be private. Although Lavi knew no one else was in this section of the library, the Order had a tendency to record and see all, which Yuu knew all too well. "Because there's no rational explanation for how you could have possibly have fallen for someone as fucked up as me."

"Takes one to know one, Yuu-chan," Lavi offered back in a soft voice with a glimmer of hope seeping onto his face as well.

"Che."

Kanda moved in much closer to yank Lavi upwards by that even present in hot weather scarf of his. "If this is some kind of game..." Lavi was a bit hurt that Yuu would still doubt him, if even it was understandable. It was hardly a familiar situation for either of them. He wouldn't finish Yuu's sentence with, "I'll be reduced to a bunch of tiny unrecognizable, but precisely diced, slices of unworthy Exorcist flesh," as it would only justify Yuu's fear.

Actions, not clever words, or an another unguarded view into his fledgling feeling heart, would only convince Yuu. With Yuu's unwavering grip, it was a little hard to achieve, but Lavi got out Odzuchi Kodzuchi. He held his Innocence out at eye level between them, "I'd rather fall."

Kanda released his grip, and Lavi sank back down into his seat to catch his breath. He slipped Odzuchi Kodzuchi back into his holster and turned his full attention to Yuu, keeping his usual defenses down. Despite being clear Yuu had accepted his proof of sincerity, his stance and expression told Lavi that Yuu was at a loss, his defenses up because he was undecided. Not that he'd expected Yuu to jump into his arms or shout his undying love in return, but they wouldn't progress anywhere without Yuu wanting to be a willing participant.

"Lavi, I..." The reluctance, hesitance, came through in Yuu's voice. Lavi didn't mind in the least at being patient. That Yuu came to talk to him and not merely add him to his long list of people to detest after his confession was a bit of a miracle in itself.

Lavi had a dangerous cat stuck up a tree unsure whether to accept the offered help gratefully, or scratch and bite all the way back down. He needed to employ some gentle coaxing. "There's no rush, Yuu."

"Given who we are, what we are..."

"Fire and air, Yuu. We mix well together."

Kanda blinked and followed it up with a classic frown that doubted he was dealing with someone intelligent. Ah, now you're more at ease, Yuu, Lavi noted with a mental smile.

"Me, fire, and you, air, Yuu," Lavi pointed out as though it should be obvious. "If you care to believe in horoscopes," he added as an explanation.

Kanda rolled his eyes at the Baka Usagi, yet he was thankful for the distraction. The redhead was behaving more as what passed as normal for Lavi. In other words, what he was more comfortable in reacting to daily. This he could handle. A relationship? Fighting off Level 4s and the Noah clan were easier to deal with. You wouldn't still be standing here, or have spent hours thinking it over, if you had no interest, Kanda argued with himself. So you have to tell him something or shoot him down now. Kanda was aware of Lavi's waiting gaze and his encouraging expression. His usually ignored heart was prodding him to get something across. No such luck. Fuck, I'm hopeless, Kanda had to conclude, and somehow he had found someone who didn't mind one damn bit.

"Fierce gale, light breeze, cold blast or blistering heat, I can feed off any way you blow, Yuu." Lavi said confidently as he snuffed out the candles on the table he was working at, putting them into semidarkness. He got up and pulled Kanda into a light embrace. As to be expected, Kanda tensed.

"Keep me burning brighter."

"I have no fucking idea what to do," were the honest hushed words that Kanda forced out. Kanda also managed to relax slightly into the hold Lavi had on him.

Lavi had to chuckle. Yuu sounded more defeated than showing any sign of being happy. Lavi hugged Yuu tighter, maybe he could be happy enough for both of them instead. "Shall we blunder our way through then, Yuu? There's no right or wrong way, just whatever the Hell works for us."

"Does that include your hands groping my ass, Lavi?" Kanda growled, failing to keep his voice down.

"Definitely, Yuu-chan, gotta start somewhere."

Kanda sighed and gently punched Lavi in the ribs. "Not here, Baka Usagi."

"I'll take that as an affirmative, then!" Lavi proclaimed with mischief in his eye before declaring, "Although not as firm as your ass." To which Kanda not as gently punched Lavi again, thereby freeing himself. He had no plans on having Lavi stay with him tonight. Among the reasons being he wouldn't know where to start.

Kanda didn't need Lavi to think he was rejecting him either, not after what it had taken to get this far. So he placed hand to Lavi's left cheek and held it there while earnestly saying, "I'll see you in the morning."

"Oyasumi, Yuu."

Lavi followed a bit behind Yuu as they left the library and headed to their own rooms. The biggest emotional gamble he had dared to take and he might be a lucky usagi after all. He had a hard time getting the grin off his face the rest of the night.

Kanda's fingers moved slowly down from Lavi's hand to his wrist and then he gave the skin a small, sharp pinch. Besides a twitching of his nose, he didn't stir from his sleep. Yes, so damn annoying, Kanda thought. And no, their evolving emotional relationship had never been a game. Although their initial attempts at sex had been laughable and epic failures. It's not like they could ask others for advice. Lavi's book findings had been more applicable to male/female pairings. Lavi's persistence, or Kanda should say his stubbornness, along with a heavy mix of sexual desire, could not be stopped once started Kanda had learned the hard way. Threats of Mugen chopping off particular organs failed to deter him for long too. Damn Leo. So they had worked their way up, or was that down, progressing from A to B to C, mostly at Lavi's pace. Somehow he'd adapted, which Lavi insisted only proved it wasn't him alone that had a healthy sex drive.

True intimacy, however, had nothing to do with multiple orgasms and being better off burning the sheets the next morning, Kanda quipped to himself. It was being able to be yourself, unafraid to show any facet of your soul, being able to share any thought or emotion no matter how dark or ugly because the other person was prepared to do the same. To argue, to fight, to anger, to frustrate, to rage and after it all, the desire to wake by their side, feeling safe, free and happy only grows stronger. Or some other ideal bullshit, Kanda recalled Lavi reading to him a few months ago from some book that he promptly then discarded to the floor. The conclusion being, they didn't need to evaluate their relationship. Lavi had been correct, they mixed well together, and that was all they needed to know.

Kanda sighed. He remained pathetic at expressing his emotions in words, not that Lavi ever assumed he'd be receiving any poems from him. Besides, Lavi spewed enough sentiment to cover them both, right? He smiled. Persona 49 being a romantic fool wasn't all an act, it had percolated through to his core.

He could at least label his emotions, including emotions he never considered he'd feel from his own heart as long as his manufactured life lasted. As well, he finally understood the blinding intensity of the desire to live, to not ever let go of life until that one special person was seen again. It had been etched into him from "his" former self, was what had allowed him to bond with Mugen, and ultimately allowed him to survive past his battle with Alma. That person, that promise of someone else's bound him still. He could never disregard it, given the hallucinations, or memory fragments, no matter how much he wanted to at times. He deserved to have his **own** life, not to be forever stuck with the ghosts of another. He would continue to carve his own path, fighting Akuma, the Black Order and anything else. Finding someone who would stand there with him, guard his backside, had been utterly unexpected, though he found himself wanting his fire to be with him always.

His room was getting much lighter from the sun's early rays that began to put the redhead into light and shadow. Kanda's right hand moved onto Lavi's hip, his fingers wandering lightly up his torso, with his eyes fixed on Lavi's unworried face. Life was bizarre and cruel, Kanda observed while his fingers continued upwards, careful to avoid his lover's bruised ribs. For this was a sweet hallucination of his own. Their path couldn't remain as one. Which is why, the samurai berated himself, don't be lulled by unspoken understandings, you need to tell him. Before there was no chance remaining to do so. His hand came to rest over Lavi's heart, feeling the rise and fall of his chest beneath his palm.

Kanda's touch or maybe the feel of the of the sun roused Lavi. It wasn't abrupt, yet Kanda found himself somewhat startled, caught up in his thoughts and a tender display. Attempting to pull back his hand quickly failed; Lavi captured it in his own and twined his fingers through. "What's wrong, Yuu?"

Sounding rather alert, although his eyes - well the fully functional left one - we're blinking away his sleep, Lavi further asked, "Did you get called out on a mission?" Yuu was mostly cast in shadow, he couldn't see his face clearly. Yuu's reply was a short negative shake of his head. Lavi sat up to see Yuu better, and reached out with his left hand to cup his face lightly. Something was amiss which was made more apparent by Yuu moving away from his touch. Not to avoid it, but so Yuu could kiss his hand lightly. He also hadn't yanked his other hand free as he would have normally.

What the hell happened? Lavi shouted to himself. This was not like Yuu at all. He wasn't meeting his gaze directly either. His expression was odd: reflective, pensive, and to an extent it actually seemed sad to Lavi. It was a bit much to deal with when he had only been sleeping a few minutes ago. Regardless, he definitely needed to learn why Yuu was in this unusual state.

Lavi repeatedly tapped Yuu's cheek in return for the kiss as he commented, "If that's your foray at foreplay Yuu, it needs more passion."

Kanda's lips quirked up ever so slightly. "Ero Usagi," he simply responded, and swatted Lavi's hand away for good measure.

Kanda still couldn't find the words to express himself to Lavi. One alone in Japanese, that Lavi had spoken more than once to him, would encompass the depth, but would fail to convey his heart's commitment. "I..." Dammit, spit it out, he swore at himself. He locked onto that brilliant green eye with determination. Lavi's face showed patience and a hint of concern. "I want to know what you'll be like in 10 years."

Lavi blinked.

Kanda glanced downwards, seeing their linked hands, and returned his eyes to await Lavi's reaction. He felt his cheeks warming as Lavi's expression went from "ooh?" to a huge smile. A genuine one, reflected in his eye. Lavi, as he'd hoped, had immediately gotten the meaning behind his statement after the initial disbelief of the words that had reached his ears.

"And all the years in between?"

There was no hesitation from Kanda, "Yes."

"And beyond the 10 years, or you'll be bored by then?"

There was that impish wit of his coming through when it wasn't necessary, Kanda noted irritatedly. Thus he bopped Lavi on the head, not exactly painlessly. "Yes, assuming you last that long, Baka Usagi," he retorted with an oh-so-familiar glare.

Unfazed by the glare - he'd have never even lived through his first day at the Black Order if he couldn't handle the challenge - Lavi gleefully replied, "Absolutely."

Lavi didn't need to hear "I love you" from Yuu. And what Yuu had managed to vocalise - after some early morning soul reflection all while he'd been oblivious in sleep - was no simple desire. It implied surviving the war, and overcoming all the obstacles that came beyond that astounding achievement in itself. He wanted the same dream as Yuu; he wanted to walk whatever future path there was together. A fool's, or crazy man's, hope perhaps, certainly not a hope he would have dared to be a possibility when he'd come with Bookman to record the battle for humanity.

Lavi punctuated his joy of learning his heart's wish was equally shared by drawing Yuu into a kiss. A long kiss, followed by more kisses being given and received, with Lavi unhurriedly bringing Yuu on top of him as he laid back down in their bed. He wanted to wrap himself around Yuu entirely, thoroughly and not let go.

Unlike other mornings, Lavi didn't need any cunning persuasion, or seduction, to get Yuu to stay in bed far, far past the sunrise, and to indulge in the illusion that their world only consisted of themselves.

* * *

AN: Just incase you didn't know...

Oi = hey

Baka Usagi = stupid rabbit

Oyasumi = Goodnight

A to B to C = Japanese equivalent of getting to 1st, 2nd and 3rd base.

Ero Usagi = perrvy rabbit (ero is short erotic or hentai).

**Thanks for reading!**

PS: Ok, third time trying to post and still getting frustrated with the magical formatting changes does after hit Save in Edit mode. What gives?


End file.
